As I was laying in bed this morning after my alarm went off and wishing it wasn’t morning already there were a number of thoughts that came to me in those first few moments of clarity; I’ve been through a very bad first marriage, taken care of my parents for 10+ years prior to their deaths, survived the fiasco of my father’s second marriage, lived through the deaths of both my parents, seen my second husband Wade through numerous hospitalizations and surgeries, raised my daughter Amanda, then turned around when she was 20 and began raising her brother Aidan, the experience of Aidan’s diagnosis and my education in Aspergers and my continuing education in advocacy; all this and it isn’t until Aidan’s 6th grade year, the first year of middle school, that I end up with an ulcer, seriously. The song going through my head this morning is Stealers Wheel song “Stuck in the Middle with You,” particularly the lines, “…clowns to the left of me jokers to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with you.” It has been one hell of a year! And then I remembered those that have told me I have a bad attitude, I just had to chuckle at this point because I thought, do you know what I do everyday, have they walked a mile in my shoes?
Most days I consider myself lucky, a fortunate girl for having such a truly wonderful life. I have my down moments but I somehow manage to pick myself up eventually, crawl sometimes, and go on. No choice but to keep moving, no other choice but to go on and move forward in any way I can. When my dad was teaching me to ride a bike I wasn’t allowed to have training wheels like my friends, never had a tricycle and when I fell I wasn’t allowed to cry. I was told to get up, breathe and go again, there was no giving up or giving in, EVER. I may have slowed down with age but the mentality is the same, get up, take a deep breath and go again. Thanks Dad for being such a bull headed, obstinate, defiant individual. I don’t always want to be like you but you helped mold my life philosophy, “just keep going.” Years before Dory from Finding Nemo imparted her wisdom of “just keep swimming, just keep swimming,” my dad was teaching me the same thing.